A whole fucking mess of thoughts…

 

So, this isn’t going to be as interesting as my previous posts. There is no dramatic bullshit that I’ve gone through put into this. This, is completely different and something that I need to do in order to grow as a person.

I’m a negative person, no matter how you look at it – and it’s time for change. All of the bullshit I’ve gone through, has gotten me to where I am today. This person who just expects the worst and it no longer surprised when it happens. I mean why would I be? I bring that upon myself. But the problem with that is I also care deeply. So when I make a choice, to care, but to also expect the worst, I am prepared but I am also hurt. The way my mind works makes sense to no one, and that’s okay. But I need to do better, I need to be better.

I need to get out of this negative mindset I’m always in, I need to just let go and let life happen. Realizing that regardless of my actions, life is going to move on without me. Everyone else is still going to be living their lives. But where will I be?  It’s time for changes, and by that I mean big steps. My fiance has made me realize that I get stuck in the same patterns. Having anxiety, depression and ADHD does not help this.

Ever since my Papa passed away, I feel like I’ve become this person, who just doesn’t care about a lot, but longs to care about so much at the same time. I am a contradiction. I can give anyone the most amazing advice, but I cannot follow my own.

Writing helps a lot when it comes to me figuring out what I’m thinking myself, but I haven’t done much recently. My mind is always racing, I’m always full of what if this happens, or doesn’t happen. What will my future hold? In reality, at the rate I’m going… Nothing. My future holds nothing because I’m not taking steps forward, I’m not taking steps back, I’m not moving. I used to be so driven, motivated, I had goals and dreams – and I’ve let my mind consume myself and I let go of all of them. In all honesty, I just want to figure out what I want out of life again.

I want adventure, I want happiness, I want to laugh and smile. I want to do things that get me out of my comfort zone, when it comes to taking on these adventures. But where do I begin?

I hate the way that family changes when someone passes away. Or the way that family changes in general. But I’m beginning to realize that I cannot change that. Some people and relationships change and they will never be back to the way they were. For example, I was close with someone, who used to be my best friend, I could talk to this person about everything and anything and they were always there for me. Well, within the past few months I’ve taken a step back and they have become I guess who they really are. I can’t be mad about it anymore, I can’t be mad about anything. This is the life that person is choosing, and the personality traits they are choosing to have. And I cannot do anything about it. You never think that the people you are closest to will change in a heartbeat. But, they do. And as they do, you do yourself. I’m not the person I once was, and I will never be the person I was again.

For myself, to do better, to be better, to become happy again – I have to realize that the past is the past. I cannot change it, it is gone. I cannot fix things, it is a waste of my time, energy and feelings.

I’m assuming all of this is apart of growing, and now it’s my turn.

I always say, “If you have a negative mindset, negative things will happen.. If you think positively, positive things will happen.” And, I want to start doing that. But, it’s not so much to think positively as it is to act positively; because, actions do speak louder than words. And my actions need to change. I feel as though by taking baby steps I will get somewhere. Crawling out of bed and starting my day feels like an accomplishment to me. Enjoying the small things around me, like my dogs playing in the backyard so carefree and happy, those things make me happy. But that’s not enough anymore. I have to do more. I’m someone who used to be on the go, I was ready for whatever life was throwing at me, without a plan but ready to take on the world. I want to get that back. People change everyday, they make decisions, so why can’t I do that again? Trying to get to the bottom of what is stopping me just has to stop. I have to stop thinking so deeply and just do something.

And I guess that is where I am at this point; I’m going to start doing, start moving, and less thinking. Whatever shall fall into place is what will be. No more negativity, no more dwelling on certain situations. Growing, moving on, moving forward… Doing things I enjoy.. That’s where I am at today…


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