“Loving the Monster”

A lot of people don’t understand why people continue to stay in abusive relationships, I would like to explain my insight on this from personal experience…

From the outside looking in people don’t understand why others stay in abusive relationships, whether it may be physical, mental or emotional. This is my story:

Continuing with the name Darren from my previous post.

When Darren and I first started our relationship there was no abuse. We were happy, we did normal couple things, he saved pink starburst for me because he knew they were my favorite. He made me laugh, made me smile, and he made me feel safe in our relationship. I never felt like I had to second guess his actions, I never felt like I had to worry about our relationship at all. Mentally he was controlling me, I didn’t realize it, because all I saw was the fact that he made me happy. I started to separate myself from my friends and I became quiet and shy; when before, I was outgoing and outspoken. The first time he put his hands on me was because he got upset that I made his lunch wrong, he threw me down on our bed and he choked me until I saw black nothingness. Afterwards, I was dumbstruck. I was confused. Why would he do this to me? Over food? He came back later that night and he apologized, and by apologize I mean he was crying, uncontrollably and I thought well maybe it wasn’t as serious as it was, maybe he is sorry. So I forgave him.

That was my first mistake. When you forgive someone for hurting you, you are letting this person know that it is okay. That this behavior can be continued and that it will be forgiven again. A few weeks after this encounter, that is where drugs came into play. Crack cocaine fueled his anger, and it numbed my pain.

The crack made his mood change instantly, we could be having a good time together, laughing and joking and then out of no where he felt offended. And I was his punching bag. I have been choked, thrown against walls, when we were around others he would press his fingers into my ribs without people being able to notice the pain that was being inflicted on me, he punched me in the face, he screamed and spit, when I didn’t want to have sex, it was forced upon me.. And at the end of the day, came the apologies. 

Looking back today I can honestly say that I would never ever let myself be put in that situation again. Today, I know this was wrong.

But as for back then, I was scared. There was no getting away for me, if I would go “home” he would break into my window in the middle of the night, if I was out in public, he would find me. It was always “I’m so sorry, I will change” “I HAVE changed” “This will never happen again” “I love you”.

Why did I go back each time? I didn’t know there was a way out. I believed him when he said sorry. What if maybe this time he really did change? What if he really did love me? What if he was right, and no one else would love me?

It took him going to jail, for what I knew would be an extended period of time for me to finally get away. I blocked his phone calls. I didn’t respond to letters. My friends and family listened when I told them what happened and they were they for me. I still have nightmares, there’s always a small fear that I could go through this again, it’s a daily battle.. but it does get better. If you’re going through this, trust me, you don’t deserve it. He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t care. (Or she). You deserve better. 

As always, if anyone needs someone to talk to about their situation, my ears are always here for listening and advice:


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