I’ve been through so much that it is hard to break down EVERYTHING into one blog post..
** trigger warning: possible strong language, drugs **
When I was 14 I was introduced into the wonderful world of addiction. Note, the world wonderful is COMPLETELY sarcastic. I want to point out in the beginning of this that if you are a parent who has/had a child with a drug addiction, it most likely isn’t your fault. I say most likely because sadly there are parents out there who do drugs with their kids – I’ve witnessed this. Back to where this began, I was 14 running around like a wild-child with no cares in the world, sneaking around my parents, lying about where I was at, etc. I was dating a guy that was 19, let’s name him Darren. (Not using real names in any of my blog posts). So, I’m at his house and he’s hanging out with a few people and I watch him go into the other room and smoke something, well of course I’m curious so I ask what it is and he hands it to me; everyone, please say hello to my ex-wife and first love of my life, crack cocaine. Within the first hit of smoking crack my life as I knew it was over with. You want more, you need more. Period.
So Darren and I continue down this path of self destruction for awhile. He was in and out of jail because of check fraud to a multitude of other things. The first few months I was in a relationship with him was pure perfection, I thought I was in love.. *let me slap myself for that now*. This relationship quickly turned violent, physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive (this will be more discussed in my next blog post). Skipping past all of that I was addicted. I smoked weed, I smoked crack, I snorted cocaine, I was ready to get high on whatever was available to me. Darren landed himself in prison and I broke the relationship off with him. But I continued to live in the house that we had occupied at that point; house is somewhat of an understatement. I lived in a room, in a house, occupied with other drug addicts who rented these rooms out. I was around any drug that you could possibly think of. I watched women degrade themselves for these drugs and promised myself that I would never stoop that low. So instead to get what I wanted, I lied, I stole, I did what I had to do (minus sexual encounters) to get my hands on drugs. I let crack run my life. I didn’t care what my family thought, I didn’t care what my friends thought. I lived a very fast paced blurred life. I have tried to forget a lot about this time in my life, from the time I was 14 to the time I was 16 I was an avid drug user. I went from a healthy 125 pounds to a deadly 80-90 pounds. I didn’t have time to eat, I had time to get high. I didn’t have time to take care of my health, or my hygiene, or to be there for my family, or friends, to spend time with anyone – I just wanted to get high, nothing else mattered. I would stay awake for days on end, and when I crashed I would sleep for 24+ hours at a time.
You never think that this type of life can happen to you. You never think oh yes I want to be an addict for the rest of my life. That is exactly what it is though, even when you are clean (which I have been for 6 years) you are still an addict, you still fight that battle. Addiction is not a choice in the long run, but when you first start out, you take that first step, that is absolutely a choice. I had to choose one day to look at myself and say, “This is not what I want my life to be like forever.” And I quit. I stopped. Luckily for me, it was that easy. I made that choice on my own, I had no help, no one to turn to, and no one to guide me in the right direction. For others, it’s not that easy. I can say that I honestly feel blessed that I was able to do that for myself, for such a weak person to make such a strong decision. I watched people overdose and still put that pipe up to my lips and inhaled. I would like to help others if they are in this situation, or even a parent if you have a child who you feel is going through this, I would like to help you! There is a way out, even if you don’t think there is. Or if you think, “I’m just not ready” Your I’m just not ready could land you six feet in the ground. And it’s not worth it.
The pain that I caused everyone else through this was not worth it. The look on my family and friends faces through the pain that I caused them without seeing it because I was chasing a high was not worth it. I can’t go back and change anything. I can’t fix these problems because they will always be there, but owning up to my mistakes and confessing the truth that I DID have a problem was the first step on getting myself better.
Not a lot of people understand what it’s like to be addicted to something that is bigger than yourself. Bigger than your beliefs or your fears. I understand it though. I understand the reasons behind wanting to feel numb, wanting to escape the reality that you’re living in. I get that. But, it’s not the life anyone should WANT to live. It’s not pretty, it’s disgusting. You change completely as a person. I was so focused on getting high, I lost myself.. And to this day, I’m still trying to get myself back. With that being said, there are resources out there; and I am here to help in any way that I can, whether you are an addict, whether you are sober now, whether you are a parent who wants answers, no matter who you are… I am here to listen.